Probably Nothing

Lost Property Office - Weekly Catalogue

TRANSMISSION 002: Lost Property Office - Weekly Catalogue

Week 37, Standard Placeholder Time

The Lost Property Office of Placeholder Station processes approximately 2d6 impossible objects daily. Most are never claimed. Some claim themselves. A few have started their own filing systems.

The following items await collection at Window 9 (open only on alternate Tuesdays and when you're not looking directly at it). Standard storage fees apply. The Office is not responsible for items that achieve sentience during storage.

📦 UNCLAIMED ITEMS - WEEK 37

Section A: Physical Objects (Mostly)

Item # Description Found Location Storage Notes
37-001 One memory of tomorrow (slightly used) Platform ∞ Leaking nostalgia
37-002 Briefcase containing the minutes from a meeting that hasn't happened yet Conference Sphere 7 Arguments with itself
37-003 The concept of Thursday (from Sphere 441) Temporal Customs Other days jealous
37-004 Bottled argument between two dead gods Bar at Hex 19 Volume increasing
37-005 Map showing the location of all lost socks (14 dimensions only) Laundromat of Regrets Constantly updating
37-006 The last words of someone still alive Death Cult Embassy Creating paradoxes
37-007 Small box of silence from before the Big Bang Void Terminal Extremely loud

Section B: Intangible Assets

Item # Description Claimant Requirements
37-008 The feeling of arriving somewhere you've never left Must provide proof of non-existence
37-009 Purpose of the Department of Lost Purposes See Transmission 001
37-010 The color that trains turn when nobody's watching Vision in spectrums 9-11 required
37-011 Tuesday's real name Must know Wednesday personally
37-012 The question everyone forgot to ask Answer not included

Section C: ⚠️ RESTRICTED - HANDLER CERTIFICATION REQUIRED

Item # Description Warning
37-013 Insurance policy for the heat death of the universe Beneficiary unnamed
37-014 Spare shadow (previous owner apparent) Moves independently
37-015 The number between 6 and 7 Causes counting errors
37-016 [ITEM DESCRIPTION LOST ITSELF] Highly recursive

🎲 Claiming Procedures

To claim an item, visitors must:

  1. Present valid identification from at least two realities
  2. Pay storage fees (1d6 silver pence per day, per dimension)
  3. Sign waivers for: temporal displacement, purpose drainage, spontaneous non-existence
  4. Roll 2d6:
Roll Complication
2 Item has bonded with another item, must take both
3-4 Previous owner arrives to claim it simultaneously
5-6 Item is exactly as described (suspicious)
7-8 Item has evolved/devolved during storage
9-10 Item claims YOU instead
11 Item is actually three smaller items in a coat
12 Item no longer exists, but receipt does (receipt is worse)

🔍 SPECIAL NOTICE: The Thief of Forgotten Things

Several items have been re-stolen from the Lost Property Office by someone claiming to be their "original forgetter." They leave behind only:

Security asks anyone with information to report to Window 11 (currently closed for existing).

Staff Picks of the Week

Gerald (Junior Cataloguer, Third Eye Only): "Item 37-007 makes excellent white noise for sleeping, once you get used to the existential dread."

Ms. Twelve (Senior Retrieval Specialist): "Someone should really claim that insurance policy before the universe notices."

[NAME LOST IN PROCESSING]: "Whatever you do, don't feed 37-014 after midnight. Or before midnight. Actually just don't feed it."

Claiming Hours:

For items lost between spheres, in parallel timelines, or during paradoxes, please file Form 37-B: "Declaration of Probable Loss" available at Window 3 (does not exist on Wednesdays).

—Probably Nothing Press
Cataloguing the impossible since next Tuesday

P.S. — The Translation Beetles would like to note that Item 37-011 is pronounced "Dennis" in their language. This has been deemed unhelpful.